


Only love will win in the end

by Maegfen



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Mainly Roxy/Merlin, Roxy/OMC is mission based, Smut, attempt at humour in places, with some background Harry/Eggsy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 03:47:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5032546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maegfen/pseuds/Maegfen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"If anyone had told her at the beginning of her Kingsman training that she’d witness humanity at its most violent, drift to the edge of the atmosphere, save the world, and start an affair with the tech wizard of the aforementioned secret organisation, well, to put it plainly, Roxy Morton would have laughed at them. Would have laughed and laughed and stated that, despite her wish to be a Kingsman, the job probably wasn’t all that exciting."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only love will win in the end

**Author's Note:**

> So, over the summer I watched Kingsman and immediately fell in love with the film. Then I read a whole bunch of fic, got hooked on Harry/Eggsy and *especially* Roxy/Merlin and got some ideas for stories. This is one such idea. What was originally 6000 words of smut ended up with a bit of a plot and nearly 3x it's original wordcount, but I had a real blast writing it!
> 
> An eternal thank you to agentdagonet on tumblr for putting up with my rewrites over the last few months and for doing a fantastic job at beta-ing this; any mistakes/errors are mine and mine alone :)
> 
> Title pilfered from 'Only Love' by Mumford & Sons
> 
> And now, enough waffling from me.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this!

If anyone had told her at the beginning of her Kingsman training that she’d witness humanity at its most violent, drift to the edge of the atmosphere, save the world, and start an affair with the tech wizard of the aforementioned secret organisation, well, to put it plainly, Roxy Morton would have laughed at them. Would have laughed and laughed and stated that, despite her wish to be a Kingsman, the job probably wasn’t all _that_ exciting.

But the reality is, as Merlin nips at her neck lightly while pressing her firmly against the wall of his lab, she probably should have seen this coming. If her short tenure as an agent has taught her anything, it’s to expect the unexpected…

 

 

It starts almost as soon as they return from beating Valentine. After Merlin lands the plane back in the hanger at HQ, the three of them go through the motions of unloading all the equipment before heading back to the main part of the manor.

There aren’t too many words spoken between them as they move through the manor, a new silent yet strong bond having formed between the trainer and trainees; they _have_ just saved the world together after all.

Eggsy nudges Roxy’s shoulder with his own a couple of times as they wander through the abandoned corridors, and she thinks it’s a means for him to make sure _he’s_ awake and alert rather than the other way round. Merlin gently teases Eggsy as they walk, jokingly reprimanding him for ruining a perfectly good umbrella and that it’ll come out of his first official paycheck as a Kingsman agent.

Roxy just glances at Eggsy in confusion, and is rewarded with a sly grin and an ‘I’ll show you later’ for her troubles.

She laughs as Eggsy quickly darts into the first available shuttle as soon as they reach the station. He departs straight away, flashing she and Merlin a wide grin and an enthusiastic wave as he disappears out of sight. Roxy knows he’s going to track down his Mum and his sister, that he’d been worried about them ever since he found out Valentine’s plan.

Eggsy’s prompt departure leaves Roxy and Merlin alone in the shuttle bay to process the day. Roxy looks up at the man beside her and he inclines his head towards the door.

“Come on,” he utters quietly and moves towards the door, Roxy hot on his heels.

HQ is almost completely deserted, with many members of Kingsman either at home or out in the field. It’s eerily quiet as they wander through the now familiar corridors, with only a few agents popping out of rooms to see who’s arrived back. Roxy only has to draw her gun twice on suspicious members of staff, and Merlin’s presence is enough to calm a majority of the people they meet. It appears that everyone’s in a state of dazed confusion, so she and Merlin are pretty much left alone.

Roxy’s fully aware that they’ll have to figure out who’s left as soon as possible. Arthur’s betrayal may have run deeper than any of them realised; who knew who else had been complicit in Valentine’s nefarious scheme?

She and Merlin wander slowly back down to the latter’s lab with the guise of putting away the weaponry and tech they’d used in the hours previous. Neither of them speak, just walk side by side as they make their way through the corridors. Merlin glances frequently at his ever present clipboard, muttering something about Eggsy, a pub, and showing off. Other than a few grumbles and a look of exhaustion on his face, Merlin looks completely calm and relaxed.

Roxy, however, can still feel the flow of adrenaline rushing through her; can still feel her heart beat rapidly in her chest. Her flight into space and her dramatic fall back to Earth has her jittery and tense and she’s not entirely sure why.

She remembers the flight back from Switzerland, can remember how Eggsy spent most of the time on the phone to his mum, while Merlin had obviously been concentrating on getting them back with some haste. Roxy, on the other hand, had spent the time going over her trip to the outer atmosphere, memories of a balloon exploding and throwing her wildly around continually triggered by the slight turbulence of the plane. She’d spent half the time trying to stop herself from being sick, and the other half trying to process just what it was that she’d experienced.

All in all, the trip hadn’t lent itself to being a relaxing time, and Roxy figures _that’s_ why she can't calm down.

“Lancelot? _Roxy?_ ”

She snaps her head back to Merlin when she hears the concern in his voice; it appears he’s been trying to get her attention for a while. Somehow, in the time she’s been lost in her thoughts, they’ve made it to the lab.

“Are you okay?” He asks, voice quiet as he realises she’s finally focused on him.

“Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry,” Roxy pauses as she looks up at the man beside her. “Still running off adrenaline I think; my mind’s going a mile a minute.”

She grins almost sheepishly, but relaxes the moment Merlin returns the gesture.

“Perfectly understandable,” he mutters, voice lilting with his accent, “you’ve had a very intense 24 hours… we all have.”

He rubs a hand over the back of his head; it’s the first real sign of weariness that Roxy’s seen from him.

“Tell me about it. Honestly, I thought when I woke up yesterday the worst thing I’d have to deal with was potentially failing the final task.”

Merlin chuckles and reaches over, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” There’s a look of concern on his face, and Roxy figures she may as well tell the truth. The words stick in her throat, heavy with implication.

“I can’t calm down,” she finally confides, looking up at Merlin, awaiting judgement and scorn. Roxy's immensely glad when she sees neither emotion on his face or in his actions.

Instead, he looks deep in thought, eyeing her carefully as if trying to make a difficult decision.

“Come here,” Merlin states after a couple of seconds, and Roxy watches as he twirls one of his fingers in the air, indicating that she should turn around. Roxy follows his instructions and waits. Merlin places his hands on her shoulders again and leans down, his voice low in her ear.

“You just need to find a way of getting rid of the adrenaline in your body. Sometimes it can last for minutes, sometimes hours; sometimes it lingers for days, when the smallest thing reminds you of a near miss or a daring escape. Part of being a Kingsman agent is controlling your body post-mission as well as during.”

“Okay.” Roxy’s slightly dubious about his intentions, but Merlin’s been doing this for so much longer than her that she knows it’s worth listening.

“First, close your eyes,” Merlin instructs and Roxy does so, leaning her head forward slowly so that her chin rests on her chest. “Now take a deep breath in for the count of four. Hold it for four, then release for four. Repeat that a few times.”

Roxy concentrates on her breathing, tries to ignore the fact that Merlin’s hands still rest on her shoulders. His fingers squeeze her ever so slightly when she breathes in, as if he’s reassuring her that he’s still there.

Her heart rate slows, and Roxy begins to relax.

“Better?”

Again, his damn voice is in her ear, and Roxy thinks it’s not fair. How can he be so calm after all they’ve seen today?

“A little,” she answers truthfully and holds her now steady hands up in front of her face. “My hands aren't shaking any more at any rate.”

“The breathing exercise is the quickest way to calm your heart rate down. Unfortunately, burning off _all_ the adrenaline can take time, and everyone’s different. I know Percival fences whenever he gets an opportunity and Harry,” he pauses, and Roxy feels him tense behind her, and when he carries on his voice is thicker with emotion, “Harry used to spar with whoever was available in the gym."

“What about you?” Roxy asks, turning to face him.

“I rarely go out in the field now,” he starts, then shrugs noncommittally, “I usually just drink more coffee and ignore it."

Roxy laughs again, although this time it sounds almost nervous to her ears.

“You know, you can always come and find me if you need to talk, or need help calming down,” Merlin says eventually. “Just because you're a Kingsman agent doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help.”

“Thank you,” she whispers. She feels the instant that his hands leave her shoulders, and watches as Merlin drops them down to his sides. Roxy doesn’t miss how his fingers clench suddenly for a split second before relaxing.

It takes a fraction of a second to make her next impulsive decision. Roxy moves forward, quickly leaning up on her toes and pressing her lips to his. It’s instinctive and later on, after this, she’s pretty sure she'll blame the faint remnants of adrenaline that still course through her. Roxy doesn’t give him time to react before she steps away and lets her gaze fall to the ground.

“Lancelot?”

Merlin’s obviously confused; they’d been in the middle of a conversation after all. But Roxy merely shakes her head as she watches his brows knit together.

“Sorry,” she mumbles, reaching out and grabbing his wrist as Merlin moves to turn away. It’s then that she feels the speed of his pulse under her slim fingers; he’s as buzzed with adrenaline and energy as she is…

“Don’t apologise,” Merlin whispers, turning back to face her. “This,” he mutters, gesturing between them, while he mulls over his words, “it’s just your body trying to find an alternate way to curb that rush of adrenaline you’re feeling.”

Roxy doesn’t reply, just nods and smiles shyly at him. She’d felt a tingle, low in her stomach as she’d kissed him. Maybe, _maybe,_ he could want this as much as she did. Roxy decides to throw caution to the wind.

“Is that such a bad thing?” she asks boldly, folding her arms and looking up at him, a determined look in her eye. Merlin’s eyebrows shoot up, clearly not expecting that sort of response.

“Well, not necessarily, no,” he answers slowly, and Roxy can tell he’s deliberately taking his time with his words. "But surely there’s someone else you’d rather do… this… with?”

He’s obviously not entirely sure where this conversation is heading. To be honest, neither is she.

Roxy decides to go with honesty, because Merlin’s Merlin, and she knows that he’d appreciate her candour.

“I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather do this with, Merlin,” she says, reaching out and grabbing his wrist again. Her fingers trace over the soft material of the pilot’s uniform he’s wearing, and for an instant she misses his familiar jumpers. “There’s no one else I trust as much as you.”

“I see,” Merlin states, still looking at her with an air of confusion.

Roxy moves her fingers to link with his and she’s surprised to feel Merlin’s hand tremble slightly under her own. She’s not sure if it's her touch, or something else, that’s affecting him so much.

Merlin gazes at her for a couple of seconds before he seems to come to a decision. He ducks his head slightly and kisses her, _really_ kisses her. Roxy gasps into his mouth at the feel of him, powerful and yet not frightening in the slightest. He steps forward slightly and Roxy reacts just as quickly, stepping back in time with him until her back hits the wall of his lab. The sudden stop only forces Merlin to push closer to her with his next step and Roxy bites back a whimper as she feels the whole of Merlin’s body press against her own.

This, _this_ , is just what’s she’s been after, she decides as Merlin nips at her throat to pull a moan from her. His thigh finds itself between both of hers and Roxy feels herself gasp at the feel of him; tall, hard, almost fierce, as he kisses her. Clearly the adrenaline that is coursing through her veins is giving him the same heady rush. Roxy groans as she feels the start of his arousal against her thigh and she pulls him tighter to her in response.

It’s quick after that, no need to discard clothes, only desperation to move all the necessary items out of the way. Roxy kisses him with the same ferocity that he seems to be trying to shove her trousers down her thighs. His hands are surprisingly soft, but, as they make their way across her skin, she can feel the calluses on his fingertips from years of handling weapons and creating tech.

Adrenaline takes over then, the need to analyse this change in their relationship gone straight out the window as Merlin produces a condom from seemingly nowhere and Roxy’s instantly grateful that at least _one_ of them is thinking properly. Even his precautions are forgotten the instant that he focuses his attention back on her and lifts her easily to press her against the wall. Roxy’s trapped between the cool concrete at her back and the hard warmth of him at her front, and there’s nowhere else she'd rather be.

_“Please,”_ she whispers into his ear as he slips his fingers between them and the sound of her voice elicits another groan from him. She’s wet already and Roxy doesn’t even want to contemplate why that’s the case. Instead, she leans forwards and kisses him roughly, her teeth catching the edge of his lips as he moves himself under her.

It’s only another few seconds before he’s pushing inside, both groaning at the feeling.

He’s hot and heavy inside her and Roxy realises just how _small_ she is compared to him. She links her hands behind his neck, and then clutches his shoulders, desperately looking for purchase against him. Merlin rolls his hips just once, just enough to cause her to gasp and she kisses him again.

She certainly hadn’t seen _this_ coming when she’d boarded the plane earlier this afternoon.

Merlin withdraws from her slowly and Roxy leans into him at the feel of his skin sliding against her own. She looks at him and notices that he’s frowning, brows together in concentration. He pushes into her again, tortuously slowly, almost carefully, as if concerned he’ll damage her. Now that the edges of the adrenaline have worn off, it seems that he’s suddenly aware of what _exactly_ it is that he’s doing. Roxy nips at his ear and clenches herself around him to try and get him to _move_. She grins as he moans into her neck.

“I’m not going to break you know,” she whispers, digging her nails into his shoulders by way of encouragement.

It’s enough to spur him back into action.

Roxy barely holds back a laugh as the usually unflappable Merlin pushes her harder into the wall in an instant, thrusting into her suddenly with just the right amount of force. She moans and curses in equal measure; it feels so good, _he_ feels so good.

Her hands move from his shoulders to his neck, and her nails dig into the soft flesh she finds there. It’s not hard enough to break the skin, but there’s a grunt of pain from him nonetheless.

“Fucking hell Roxy,” Merlin mutters darkly, “ _easy_ …”

She squeezes her fingers again in response and is rewarded with a harder thrust from the man inside her, hard enough to make her gasp and pull him closer, her lips seeking his. She opens her lips under the pressure of his own, the embrace passionate and yet delightfully hot at the same time.

“Fuck, Merlin, just… _fuck_ ,” Roxy groans as he shifts slightly and hits _that_ spot the next time he pushes into her. She’s fully aware she’s not making _any_ sense. Quite frankly, she can’t bring herself to care. “This was a _brilliant_ idea…”

His deep hum of agreement against her collarbone is enough to push her closer to the edge and it only takes a few more deep thrusts, partnered with his fingers pressing over her centre, to make her climax. Roxy clenches around him and pulls him closer, kissing him as Merlin continues to move inside her. Another couple of thrusts and his hips stutter. Roxy holds him close as he groans what she thinks is her name into her neck as he comes.

Merlin holds her there, against the wall, breath hot against her skin as the two of them attempt to catch their breath. Merlin presses kisses against her throat and nips at her pulse point as she comes down from the high of her orgasm. The adrenaline has definitely gone, but she suspects it’s been replaced by something entirely different.

Her eyes are closed and she can still feel Merlin inside her. He drops a kiss on her forehead and she opens her eyes before returning the gesture to his lips.

He finally pulls away to sort himself out, and Roxy immediately misses the warmth of him. They both spend the next couple of minutes readjusting themselves, rearranging their clothes so they look semi-presentable.

They don’t really talk, both of them preferring silence rather than fill the void with awkward small talk. They both know each other better than that. Roxy smiles up at him at the door of his lab, intent on crashing out on one of the beds and figuring everything else out in the morning.

She plants a soft kiss on Merlin’s lips as she leaves. She doesn’t look back.

 

* * *

 

A week later, when the world starts to settle down and re-establish itself, they hold a wake for Harry.

It’s a quiet affair, a gentlemanly coming together of the remaining Kingsman agents, held in one of the larger conference rooms. Eggsy tells Roxy beforehand that there are several reasons for this, not least because no one likes to sit at the round table knowing that the previous Arthur died there after betraying them all.

Roxy sips on a glass of brandy, a 1920’s blend that tastes a little bit fruity underneath the alcohol. She’s never been a fan of the drink, but when Percival, her godfather, hands her the glass she doesn’t refuse and instead chooses to quietly sip it in the corner of the room.

Eggsy is sitting in the other corner, gaze focused out of the window on the spring afternoon. It’s dark and gloomy outside, as if the weather had known that no one in the building was in the mood for warmth or celebration. Roxy wants to wander over to her best friend, offer some kind of solace to him, but he looks like he needs some time alone so she hesitates before leaving him to his own personal grief. She’ll catch up with him later and see how he’s holding up.

Merlin’s noticeable by his absence, too. Roxy hasn’t seen much of him in the week following V-Day and their… encounter… in his lab, but that was to be expected. He’s taken over temporary command of the London branch and has therefore, quite rightly, been too busy for someone like her to visit for no reason.

There’s a deathly hush in the room, as if no one dares speak, even if it’s to recount the good times, the pleasant memories of Harry Hart, of Galahad. Roxy picks absently at the hem of her demure and respectful black dress and sighs.

She decides then, looking around and seeing all the grim faces, that she needs some fresh air. Gloomy weather be damned; it’s too stuffy in the conference room and she’s sure no one will miss her for a few minutes.

She meanders down the corridor, taking in the old paintings that decorate the walls, and heads towards the balcony overlooking the gardens. Roxy knows she’ll be able to grab some peace and quiet there, even if only for a little while.

It isn’t until she’s at the doorway that she realises there’s already someone standing on the terrace. Roxy would recognise that figure anywhere, although she’s never seen Merlin look so _defeated_ before.

He’s slumped against the railing, looking over the grounds, just like he had all those months ago, when he’d announced they’d all need to adopt a puppy. He’s wearing a black jumper today, in memory of his friend, and a black tie is knotted underneath it. Roxy can see a tumbler of liquid in his hand, and a decanter sits on its own on a nearby table. It’s half full.

“Merlin?”

Roxy keeps her voice quiet, so as not to startle the man.

He turns a little to look at her then, and Roxy can see that his eyes are slightly red under the familiar frames of his glasses. She doesn’t comment; Merlin’s grief is his own.

He sighs, clearly resigned to her company.

“What can I do for you Roxy?”

She wonders how he can still sound so professional when Roxy _knows_ he’s in mourning for his friend.

“I wanted some fresh air,” she states simply, cautiously moving to stand next to him at the railing. “I couldn’t bear to be in that room any longer.”

Merlin doesn’t reply, just hums in acknowledgement and takes a deep sip of his drink.

Roxy watches as he swallows. When he’s done, he offers her the tumbler, tipping the glass in her direction and raising an eyebrow. Roxy takes it, accidentally brushing her fingers over his. She ignores the static shock she gets from the touch and instead takes a sip of the liquid within. It’s smooth, refreshing, and a damn sight nicer than what had been on offer inside.

Roxy reluctantly hands the glass back and watches as Merlin tips the rest of the drink down his throat before moving to refill the glass from the nearby decanter.

By the time he’s returned to her side, still unnervingly quiet, Roxy is truly worried about him. She only waits a minute or so before speaking.

“I know it’s a ridiculously asinine question, but are you alright? Is there anything I can do?”

Merlin shakes his head.

“No,” he states simply, gaze still focused on the manor’s gardens. “I just… I’ve lost agents before, lost friends before but Harry… Harry was different.”

Roxy remains silent and twists her fingers in front of her.

“We came through training together you know? There were two posts open; one for a field agent, one for a support role. Harry and I, we worked together, helped each other through the tests. We were much like you and Eggsy in that regard. Been closer than brothers ever since. It’s been,” his voice hitches slightly and he masks it by taking another sip of his drink. “It’s been hard, getting used to him not being around.”

Roxy remains silent, knowing there’s nothing she can say to Merlin right now that will make it any better. All she does is reach out and place her hand on his forearm in support. She’s surprised when Merlin’s free hand comes to rest on top of her own. His palm is warm and his fingers easily cover hers. He gives her hand a quick squeeze in what she thinks is a ‘thank you’ and simply leaves his hand there.

“I miss him.”

Roxy remains silent, simply choosing to stand by Merlin’s side and watch the trees sway gently in the distance. A breeze has picked up in the time they’ve been outside and Merlin suddenly looks down at her.

“Come on,” he says quietly, “let’s go back inside. Can’t have you catching your death…”

He trails off when he realises the inappropriateness of his words and Roxy’s saddened to see Merlin’s eyes start to tear up again.

“You’re right, let’s head indoors.”

She speaks as if he hadn’t uttered those last few words and carefully picks up the decanter from the table as Merlin trails in beside her. He leaves the now empty tumbler on the sideboard and Roxy places the bottle next to it; clearly this is where Merlin had picked up the drink on his way out to the terrace.

They walk side by side, with no real destination in mind. Roxy can’t face going back to the conference room and, she figures, neither can Merlin.

She’s about to ask him where he wants to go when the man in question suddenly stops and opens a door to his left. Roxy comes to a halt beside him, but doesn’t get an opportunity to question him before he’s pulling her into the room and locking the door behind them.

They’re standing in some disused office; Roxy notices the shelves and desk are practically bare when she turns round to take in her surroundings.

By the time she’s back facing the locked door Merlin’s leaning against the desk, his gaze solely on her. His head is tilted to the side, as if he’s a bird of prey observing its next meal. There’s a look of concentration on his face that immediately worries Roxy. She takes a few steps forward, coming to a stop right in front of him. She tilts her head up to regard him carefully and her hand, once again, reaches out to touch his forearm.

“Merlin?”

He kisses her then, simply leans down and presses his lips to hers. Despite the way he looks, all full of grief and pain, the touch of his lips on hers is tender and chaste. He pulls back after only a second or two.

“Sorry,” he mutters, leaning his forehead on hers and closing his eyes.

“It’s fine,” Roxy replies, pulling him down for another kiss. And it really is. If Merlin needs this, needs an outlet for his anger and turmoil at Harry’s death, then she’s not going to deny him. People process their grief in different ways, and this is clearly how Merlin copes.

“I’m not going to push you away,” Roxy mutters against his shoulder as he lifts her up and deposits her carefully on the desk. “I’m _here_ Merlin…”

Her voice trails off as her hands reach up to cup his face, fingers lingering over the slight stubble on his chin. His eyes focus on her in that moment, asking a question that it seems he dare not ask aloud. Roxy nods imperceptibly and smiles.

Their interactions change in that instant. Merlin isn’t rough, but there’s something in the way that he kisses her now that shows Roxy that he’s letting some of his pent-up emotion through; that he trusts her enough to show a more vulnerable side of himself.

It’s as if he’s trying to convince himself that he’s alive, that _she’s_ alive and that, despite the loss of his best friend, there’s someone in the world that still cares for him.

She shuffles back on the desk, lifting herself up as Merlin pushes up the hem of her dress to her waist, his lips never leaving hers in the process. Roxy works on shoving her underwear down her legs, but she’s still aware enough to know she doesn’t have any protection on her.

Merlin’s fingers ghost across her now bare skin, drifting across her thighs and dipping closer to her centre with each pass.

“Merlin, I don’t have anything on me,” she says, hoping that he gets the hint. He seems to and judging by the frown on his face, he doesn’t either. They’re both sensible enough to know that a pregnancy is _not_ the ideal situation right now.

“S’okay,” he mutters after a couple of seconds, his voice deep and husky, and for the first time that day she detects a hint of his sense of humour. He leans over her again, his head moving closer until his mouth is so close to her own that Roxy can feel his hot breath on her lips. “I’m sure we can figure out something else instead.”

And then his fingers are pressed against her, tips cold in contrast to the stuffy heat of the office. Roxy gasps into his mouth and her hips reflexively lift off the dark wood of the desk.

“Shit! Merlin, warn a girl why don’t you!”

“Now where would be the fun in that?” He whispers and he kisses her again, his tongue slipping into her mouth at the exact moment his thumb glides over her clit. Roxy writhes under his touch, desperate for more and less at the same time.

Merlin carefully presses one fingertip into her, and Roxy pushes up into his hand. Her moans give him all the encouragement he needs to add a second. She’s wet and his fingers glide in easily and Roxy gasps as Merlin curls his fingers _just_ _so_ inside her.

She has the presence of mind to reach out a hand and Roxy fumbles ineffectually with Merlin’s belt. She can’t undo it with one hand and so she sits up slightly to allow her the freedom to use both her hands to complete her task. Merlin moves with her and the change of angle, the _feel_ of his fingers inside her, and his thumb brushing against her wrenches what is essential a wail from her throat.

Roxy eventually succeeds in pulling his zip down and she reaches inside his boxers to take hold of him. He’s hard already, but that’s not too surprising. Roxy glides her hand slowly down Merlin’s length and smirks up at him when his own movements stutter.

All thoughts of grief and sorrow disappear as Roxy tries to find a rhythm. She feels the bead of moisture at his tip and uses it to help her hand move more easily over him. It’s not the best position for her, her wrist already aching from the awkward angle, but her efforts are still rewarded by Merlin’s deep groan and the occasional bucking of his hips.

His long, nimble, fingers continue to pump in and out of her, twisting and curling and pushing her closer and closer to the edge. Roxy can feel the pressure building inside her, little by little, and she uses her spare hand to cup the back of Merlin’s head and pull him closer for a deep kiss.

There’s no sound in the office apart from their breathing and the faint sounds of flesh sliding against flesh. The occasional moan and muttered phrase break the silence, but there’s a relative calm over the pair of them, despite the frenzied approach to their current activity.

“Merlin, please, I-I’m so close, _please._ ”

Roxy’s desperate for release, can feel her climax _just_ out of reach. She wonders if Merlin’s toying with her on purpose, his fingers just refusing to push that little bit more to tip her over the edge. It doesn’t matter in the end, because in the next moment his fingers twist just a fraction more, and his palm grinds roughly against her clit, and Roxy moans as she comes. She feels Merlin’s fingers leave her, and he presses a soft kiss to her forehead as he puts a hand on each side of her.

She’d let go of him as she came, but her fingers wrap round him again the moment that she’s aware enough to do so. She speeds up her movements, determined to make him lose his precious control as quickly as she can.

“Fuck, Roxy, slow down a second will ya, I cannae…” His accent gets thicker with each stroke and soon Merlin’s head rests against her shoulder, his breath hot and ragged against her skin and Roxy listens intently as she gives one final twist of her wrist and smiles as she makes out the hitch in Merlin’s breath as he’s finally, _finally,_ pushed over the edge. He comes with a groan and a quiet utterance of ‘fuck’, and Roxy feels him spill onto her hand and her thigh, sticky threads clinging to her skin. She feels pathetically dirty but she wouldn’t change this moment for the world.

She wonders what Harry Hart would think about his best friend receiving a handjob in an abandoned office on the day of his wake…

The thought brings a giggle to her lips just as Merlin reaches around her and grabs a nearby box of tissues in a bid to clean them both up. He looks at her inquisitively, clearly wondering what about their present situation is so amusing.

“It’s nothing,” she says, reaching across to help him wipe her hands clean, “just a random thought.”

Merlin takes her word for it and moves to discreetly tuck himself away. Roxy pulls her knickers back into place, but her dress remains bunched up around her waist; she’ll sort it when she can eventually find the strength to stand.

Even after they’ve cleaned themselves up, Merlin keeps her half pinned to the desk for what seems like an eternity, but in reality it’s probably only a few minutes. Now that their moment of rushed sex has passed, he seems reluctant to let her go, as if the weight of the world has been placed back on his already weary shoulders. Roxy rubs Merlin’s back in an attempt to soothe him and tries to ignore the uncomfortable way his zipper rubs against her still bare thigh. She pulls him down for a final kiss just before he pulls away.

“Are you okay?” Merlin mutters as he stands and finally takes a small step back. There’s a guilty look on his face, and Roxy hates the sight of it.

“I’m _fine_ ,” she reaches out and links her fingers with his in reassurance. “You?”

“Getting there. I think… I think this helped,” he says almost shyly, his head ducking down in what Roxy thinks is embarrassment.

“Good,” she replies, “that makes us even.”

He looks up at her, eyebrows raised.

“Last week,” she states simply and Merlin nods in understanding. There are a couple of moments of awkward silence before Roxy decides to speak again.

“It’s a good thing that we can help each other, yeah?”

He eyes her carefully, eyebrow slightly raised in question. Still, he doesn’t hesitate with his answer.

“Aye, it is.”

She bites her tongue slightly before carrying on.

“So, if, say, I needed help again; to calm down, or to de-stress or if I’m…” she tries to find the right word, but really there's no alternative for what she means, “ _frustrated_ , could I maybe come and find you? A-and vice versa?”

Merlin looks at her for a long moment, and Roxy can tell he’s weighing up the pros and cons of a potential arrangement between them in his head. She suddenly feels the need to give him an out.

“I mean, if you’re not comfortable with that it’s okay. Honestly. I just thought…”

She’s silenced by Merlin’s lips on her own.

“I think it’ll be fine,” he whispers as he pulls away.

“Come on,” Roxy replies, beaming slightly under his gaze. “I think we should probably get cleaned up and head back to the conference room, yes?"

He nods and the two of them make their way back to the other grieving members of Kingsman.

 

* * *

 

The club is way too loud for even her tastes, and Roxy bites back a growl of frustration as the DJ swaps one pounding rhythm for another. The beat reverberates in her ears and exacerbates the headache she’s been nursing since earlier on that afternoon.

“Target at your 3 o’clock,” Merlin mutters in her ear, and Roxy spins slightly in her seat, clutching her unbearably fruity cocktail in one hand and her mobile phone in the other. She glances over the crowd full of young and entirely too energetic dancers and spots the mark. Tall, dark haired and clad in a light blue shirt, he’s easy to pick out from the other customers in the dingy club.

“He’s heading up to the VIP area,” she notes, tracing the mark’s route through the sweaty crowd. “His guards have spread out across the floor below.”

“Got them,” Merlin responds before he continues, “I’ve got eyes on the meeting via the club’s security feed. He should be up there completing the deal with Baxter now. Leave it a few minutes then wander up; I’ll let you know when you’re good to go.”

“No problem.”

She takes another sip of her drink, if only for something to do, and she can’t help but wince as the drink slips down her throat.

“Promise me I can have a decent drink when I get back, _please_ ,” she utters over the comms. “This club’s ‘special’ cocktail is bloody awful.”

“I’ll have some Pimms and lemonade ready as soon as you get off the plane. Will you want finger sandwiches and scones to go with it?” Merlin responds dryly. Roxy can detect the smirk in his tone, even if she can’t see it.

“Oh, quiet you,” Roxy mutters and is answered by a chuckle from Merlin.

It’s been two months since the two of them started their casual, no strings relationship. It’s working out well. Every time she returns from a mission she seeks him out, finds solace in his arms, embraces the way he calms her nerves and curbs her adrenaline as he takes her against whatever surface is available at the time. In turn, he finds her when he’s had a stressful day in the lab, or a mission he’s been watching over hasn’t gone entirely to plan. It’s often frantic and they never discuss it; it’s just two people easing frustrations with someone they deeply trust.

Outside of their arrangement they’ve fallen into an easy partnership, both inside and outside of missions. Merlin is Roxy’s go-to handler and she finds a different kind of comfort from having him in her ear rather than her arms. She trusts him and he trusts her and its good.

Even if it _is_ slightly weird when she’s on a honeypot mission.

Merlin gives her the signal that her target has finished his meeting with the local arms dealer and so she makes her way slowly up to the VIP section with the intention of ‘bumping into’ the mark, seducing him and making off with the plans for the exchange of a large amount of ordinance the following week.

Roxy wanders casually up the stairs, flashing her best smile and VIP pass as she reaches the first level of security. After that, it’s only a matter of time before she’s made acquaintances with her intended target and she delights in steadily supplying him with champagne and other better quality drinks.

A short while later she’s being pressed up against the wall of the one of the back offices that her mark just ‘happens’ to have the key for and within minutes she’s become more _intimately_ acquainted with their mark. As the stranger scrapes his teeth along the side of her throat, Roxy lets out a moan by reflex, earning herself a deeper thrust. Her back is digging painfully into one of the bookshelves of the office and her dress is torn slightly from the target’s over enthusiastic approach to getting his leg over. Still, Roxy thinks as she clenches around him in a hope of getting him off slightly quicker, it could be worse.

She closes her eyes, and focuses on reaching round and grabbing the man’s phone from the back pocket of his trousers. Fortunately, he’d been in such a rush to start that he’d barely gotten his trousers and boxers down his thighs. He’s so preoccupied with fucking her against the wall that he doesn’t even notice her take out the phone and slip it into her own bag that’s hanging somewhat uselessly off her arm.

Roxy’s eyes are still closed and suddenly, out of the blue, she hears Merlin mutter ‘right, I’ve got what we need Lancelot,” in her ear, voice quiet and unexpected. The sound of his accent sends her back two weeks ago, when he’d taken her up against the wall of his new office, _Arthur’s_ office, when she'd come back from Barcelona. Her imagination runs wild then, and Roxy instantly replaces the man currently inside her body with the one inside her head.

Her reaction is instantaneous as she imagines Merlin’s arms under her thighs, imagines Merlin’s lips against her throat, imagines Merlin’s voice whispering how beautiful she is in her ear.

The thoughts cause her to come quicker than she expects and as soon as she climaxes she takes her target over the edge too.

After a few awkward moments filled with the adjusting of clothes, she and the mark part ways with no hesitation, just a soft kiss on the lips, a smirk from him and the promise to call from her. Roxy waits until she’s alone in the nearby toilets before speaking.

“Merlin, you there?”

He’s been radio silent since the moment he last spoke to her, but she knows full well that he stayed on the line. Probably heard her moan as she came and everything. Still, she muses, it’s not like he’s not heard it before.

“Aye.”

There’s something strange in his tone, but Roxy knows better than to analyze it.

“Heading to the extraction point now.”

“Okay. Galahad will be there in three minutes. Good job Lancelot.”

Roxy can still feel her mark’s hands on her waist and his tongue in her mouth and she shudders at the recollection. Instead, Roxy tries to concentrate on finding the easiest way to the extraction point that Merlin’s set up for her. As she’s climbing down the rickety fire escape at the back of the club she tries not to analyse the new wave of feelings for Merlin that she’s suddenly been hit by.

Roxy’s distracted from her thoughts by Eggsy pulling up to the mouth of the alley in what is a completely ostentatious car. He’s grinning at her from the driver’s seat, beeping the horn furiously, and she rolls her eyes at him.

She darts into the car, trying to forget the last hour and focus on surviving her best friend’s driving long enough to get back to HQ, to Merlin, in one piece.

And if she asks Merlin to fuck the guy’s memory from her brain and body as soon as she sees him, well, that’s another thing entirely.

 

* * *

 

She notices a change after that night. There’s nothing explicitly different between them, but Roxy finds herself thinking about Merlin more and more often, both on mission and off it.

Whenever she’s given a honeypot mission, she finds herself imagining it’s Merlin she’s giving an handjob to in the back alley behind a restaurant in Zurich, or that it’s Merlin who’s going down on her inside a fancy Parisian hotel, or that it’s Merlin who’s fucking her in the back of an expensive and luxurious Cadillac in the Arizona heat.

Every time she comes back from those type of missions she’s more aggressive than usual, as if Merlin is the only one who can wipe away the taste and touch and feel of all the targets and marks who put their hands on her.

Merlin, in his own way, starts to show a sign of possessiveness when she comes back. She finds more marks on her throat in the mornings, more subtle bruises on her skin at her hips where he’d held her tighter than usual.

Neither of them comments on it.

  

* * *

 

 “I fucking _hate_ these heels,” Roxy grumbles, staggering across to a nearby bench and sitting herself down. Fortunately, the party inside is in full swing with very few people meandering around in the courtyard, and so no one notices her seemingly talking to herself.

“I think they’re rather fetching actually,” Merlin replies, although he sounds distracted, probably by whatever Eggsy is up to in the main ballroom.

“You would,” Roxy mutters, undoing the strap and rubbing at her ankle. It’s slightly red and she instantly regrets allowing Eggsy to select her footwear for the evening. While they _look_ beautiful, they pinch at her toes and have left a mark on the top of her foot. “You’ve got a thing for my legs.”

There’s a cough from Merlin on the comms and she’s pretty sure it’s from embarrassment. Either that or anger; without seeing his face it’s hard to tell. At least they’re on a private line; goodness knows what Eggsy would have said to _that_ comment.

“I’m not saying anything.”

“Good.”

They’re still not talking about it, their _relationship_ , but this is as close as they get; little hints and teasing remarks that could easily be mistaken for innocent banter and flirting by anyone who happened to be listening in.

“They are nice wrapped around my waist though while I’m fucking you though, I have to admit…”

He trails off, just as Roxy exclaims at him down the line.

“Merlin!”

“Aye?”

He sounds so bloody innocent, but he’s treading in dangerous waters; neither of them has _ever_ said anything so explicit about what they do together, let alone while she’s in the middle of a mission.

“Just… stop that, right now. I can’t concentrate with you making comments like that.”

He chuckles at her down the line, before humming.

“Can’t your exceedingly bored handler have a bit of fun?”

“Yes, of course, but not when I’m about to attempt the theft of a set of diamonds from the Archduke of Turkmenistan.”

“Then I offer my sincerest apologies Lancelot.”

His tone is so deadpan that Roxy _knows_ he doesn’t mean a word of it. She’s not sure what’s gotten into him tonight, but she kind of likes it.

“Merlin?”

“Yes?”

“We’ll carry on this conversation when I get home…”

“I look forward to it.”

And like that they’re back to a professional relationship, with Merlin quickly informing her that Eggsy’s about to start with his latest distraction, and that she should be prepared to head up the stairs once the security has rushed to the ballroom.

Roxy follows his instructions, and tries to ignore the fact that she’d said ‘home’ and Merlin hadn’t even hesitated with his answer. The pull in her gut hits her again, and Roxy wonders about the implications. Does she _want_ a home with Merlin? Would he want anything like that? Would it even work?

  

* * *

 

Merlin drops the bombshell on her seven months after V-Day. They’re sitting in his office, drinking coffee and going through her last mission when, halfway through a discussion about her perfectly timed exit from the museum in Karachi, he sighs.

Roxy looks over at him, frowning in question. Merlin barely hesitates before he speaks.

“Harry’s alive.”

It takes a couple of seconds for her brain to process the information.

“What?”

Merlin sighs and takes off his glasses, pinching the bridge of his nose. Roxy recognises the signs; he’s clearly getting a headache and she wonders just how much stress he’s been under the last few months.

“Harry’s alive.”

“But… what… _how?”_

Merlin encourages her to sit by his side, and she does so, pulling up a chair so she can scan through the folder he’s placed in front of her.

“It seems that my dear friend took it upon himself to go deep cover after Valentine’s failed attempt to kill him,” Merlin begins and he goes on to tell her a long and convoluted story about Valentine’s poor aim, a lack of official records and an overwhelmed local morgue.

“He managed to doctor his own death certificate,” Merlin elaborates, when Roxy questions him about just how Harry had been officially declared dead. “The morgues were so full after the attacks that they ended up conducting mass cremations; Harry managed to file his death certificate in time for one of those then disappeared to who knows where to try and track down rogue elements of Kingsman.”

Roxy, by this point, is only vaguely listening. In the course of his debrief, Merlin has slung his arm over the back of her chair and his thumb is rubbing patterns on her shoulder. Roxy figures he’s not even aware he’s doing it; it's not something she envisages him doing regularly.

Despite this, she remains silent, savouring the touch of his thumb, even though several layers of clothes separate it from her skin. The unfamiliar feeling in her gut is back, the one that makes itself known every time she’s on a honeypot mission, and, much to her consternation, every time Merlin’s inside her, fucking her on his desk or in his chair or against the wall.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, she thinks, as Merlin continues to ramble on about Harry’s miraculous reappearance in their lives. It was supposed to be simple; a little bit of great sex, an easing of mutual frustrations –– a simple, no strings fling with a very attractive and focused man.

Instead, Roxy thinks to herself, she may have bitten off rather more than she can chew.

She’s not entirely sure what she’s supposed to do with this new found understanding.

 

* * *

 

Harry returns to the manor the following week and immediately sets in motion the means of revitalising the Kingsman outfit in a series of reforms that hasn’t been seen since the conception of the service.

Roxy barely notices; she’s an established agent, has been for over half a year now, but she’s not senior enough to be brought into the higher level meetings that take place between the British branch and the other European Headquarters. Nor is she required to overlook the recruits that are training for the positions of Gawain and Lamorak, who were lost in the brutal fighting on V-Day.

Instead, she focuses on her missions and spends much of her spare time with Eggsy at the manor. The two of them are making a name for themselves within Kingsman and it’s hard to miss the pride that flashes across both Harry and Merlin’s faces when either of them returns from a successful mission. Roxy hasn’t seen Eggsy this happy since Charlie was sent home after his failed loyalty test and his happiness and joy at his mentor’s return is truly infectious.

So there are missions and friends and Roxy finds she is inexplicably happy for the first time in years.

And in between the missions there is, of course, her relationship with Merlin.

Which, she thinks as she sits in her flat one dreary afternoon in September, is a whole other issue.

 

* * *

 

“You alright?"

Eggsy’s voice breaks her from her thoughts and she looks up to see another glass of wine drift into her peripheral vision. She takes it carefully and smiles up at her friend, watching as he takes the chair next to her. They’re sitting out on the balcony of his Kensington apartment, overlooking the London skyline. It’s a bit indulgent, but after the week the two of them have had in Budapest, well, if they want to act like two yuppy kids, they’re damn well going to.

“Yeah I’m fine, just thinking.”

“Looks intense.”

She loves Eggsy, she really does. He was the rock that kept her sane all the way through their training, they worked together to save the world and they’ve stuck together in all of the missions and time since. He’s her best friend, and she knows she can trust him with anything.

“I’m having sex with Merlin,” she blurts out, suddenly unable to keep the secret that’s weighed so heavily on her mind.

“What? Right now? Over the glasses comm? You kinky…”

“NO!” Roxy laughs as she swats Eggsy’s chest. He feigns injury, glaring half-heartedly at her and giving a yelp of fake surprise that makes JB give a soft bark of support. “You know these are just my normal sunglasses.”

Eggsy chuckles right alongside her, before taking a silent sip of his wine. He watches her, calculating, as if he’s trying to figure out how to process the information he’s just been given.

“You and Merlin eh? That’s an interesting development…”

“Yeah.”

“How long?”

“Since V-Day, after you went to find your Mum and Daisy. We were in his lab and…”

Eggsy holds up his free hand and shakes his head.

“Don’t need no details Rox, _really_.”

She smiles at him, and nods in understanding. When he doesn’t make any other comment she sighs and prompts him herself.

“So?”

“So what?”

“What do you think?”

Roxy’s surprisingly nervous. She doesn’t need his approval, not by any stretch of the imagination, but having Eggsy’s support and understanding would mean a hell of a lot to her.

She waits with bated breath for his answer. Eggsy seems to sense this and smirks, drawing out his reply with the sole purpose of irritating her.

“Well, he’s nice, but not really my type. I prefer people who are less Scottish and have more hair…”

“Like Arthur you mean?”

“I refuse to comment,” Eggsy smiles behind his wine glass. Roxy suspects that there’s probably something her friend wants to share, but she's reluctant to push.

“But really Eggsy, what do you think? About Merlin and I?”

He pauses.

“Look, Merlin’s a mate, right? Helped us save the world, keeps us safe on missions. He’s more like a father figure to me I guess, but if he makes you happy, if he helps you… blow off a little steam after missions then I ain’t got no issue with it. Unless he hurts you. Then I’ve got a massive problem; ain’t no one hurting my best mate.”

“No, he’s not hurting me; not in the slightest.”

“Then what’s the problem? I can’t see nothing wrong with the two of you… doing whatever it is the two of you are doing. And if Arthur… if ‘ _arry’s_ aware of it, well, he'd have put a stop to it if it were inappropriate, wouldn’t he.”

“Yeah I know. It’s just…”

And here it is, here’s the big secret, here’s the problem that’s been causing sleepless nights and troubled thoughts for the last few weeks. She stands up suddenly and wanders back through the balcony doors, needing some space to think before she answers. Eggsy follows behind her, JB at his heels. He waits, patiently, for her to get her thoughts together.

“I think I’m falling for him, a-and I don’t know what to do about it…”

Again, Eggsy pauses, and Roxy shifts her attention to the walls of his flat. There are pictures of the three of them; she, Eggsy, and Merlin, of JB, of Michelle and Daisy, even a portrait of Harry caught up doing paperwork (she suspects that Harry’s unaware of this photo’s existence, but again, she chooses not to comment)… everyone looks so happy.

“Falling for him? Like, in love an’ that?”

Roxy doesn’t answer directly, just nods and lifts the side of her mouth in a semblance of a smile.

“Wassa matter with that? He’s good to you, you’ve just told me that, and he’s not hurting you.”

“Well, we’re colleagues for a start; either one of us could be killed at any time. And even if I ignore all that, I’ve got no way of knowing if he feels the same.”

Eggsy sighs dramatically and gestures between them.

“The colleagues thing’s a bit bullshit though, innit? I mean, who better to be in a relationship with than a fellow agent? At least, if the worst happens, he’ll know how and what happened. Not like my Mum and my Dad. Plus, you know, we’re _spies_ , Rox, there are _plenty_ of ways to figure out if he feels the same. How about, I dunno, just _asking_ him?”

Roxy laughs and shakes her head again.

“Oh I couldn’t do that. He’s a very private man; he’d probably tell me to bugger off and never speak to him again.”

“Doubt it,” Eggsy says, smiling and sounding as if he means it. “You’re beautiful, Rox, and smart and funny and a fucking spy for fuck’s sake. The man’d be daft to not be head over heels for you.”

She doesn’t reply, just takes a hefty sip of her wine and hums in lieu of an actual answer. Eggsy takes it for the sign it is and thankfully drops the subject.

 

* * *

 

Roxy had always been told that eavesdroppers never heard well of themselves. She’d never put much stead into the saying, but then, she’d never been prone to listening in on other people's conversations.

Still, it doesn’t stop her from loitering in silence outside of Arthur’s office on a reasonably cool autumn afternoon. Being summoned up here isn’t unusual for her; it’s where the new leader of Kingsman prefers to hand out missions after all. What _is_ unusual is for Arthur and Merlin to be having quite a vocal conversation with the door still ajar and with no apparent consideration about who may or may not be within hearing range.

Roxy’s surprised by the tone in Arthur’s voice; while he doesn’t sound _angry_ , he certainly sounds less than pleased…

“But she’s so young Merlin!”

“You think I don’t know that? That I’m probably the last person she wants? That I’m just the most convenient person available whenever she needs… help? To be honest, at this particular bloody moment in time I couldn’t care less; I can take whomever I want to my bed Harry Hart! And besides, you're one to talk! How is Eggsy by the way? Still giving you the puppy dog eyes? Or is it the other way round?”

“Bastard, that’s a low blow.” Roxy hears Harry pause, and his tone is infinitely quieter when he carries on speaking. “You should still stop, especially if she doesn’t feel the same.”

There’s a resolute sigh from Merlin and Roxy presses against the wall of the corridor. She should have left minutes ago, have made herself late for the meeting; she shouldn’t be listening to _any_ of this. Roxy isn’t sure whether it’s because she doesn’t want to hear Merlin’s feelings about their relationship, or because she _does_.

“I know I should, but when am I ever going to have another chance like this with someone like her? I’m going to take advantage of it while I can until she comes to her senses!”

Roxy holds a hand over her mouth in astonishment. While she’d known that Merlin likely didn’t feel the same about her, to hear him confirm it, to basically tell their boss that it was nothing more than a fling to him, well, it _hurt_.

She sighs, and steps back down the corridor slightly with an aim of composing herself before she enters Arthur’s room.

When she knocks on the door there’s a sudden silence, and Roxy closes her eyes briefly before entering the room.

“Ah, Lancelot, good afternoon. Please, take a seat. ”

Arthur’s tone is jovial, as if he _hasn’t_ just spent the last few minutes discussing _her_ and her relationship with the man that stands to his left.

Merlin, on the other hand, barely looks at her, which is disconcerting to say the least. His arms are crossed over his chest, holding his clipboard in place like it’s a shield and his gaze is focused resolutely on a spot somewhere over her right shoulder.

Roxy watches as Arthur flashes Merlin a quick, concerned look before he gets down to business.

The talk of work seems to snap Merlin out of his trance and, minutes later, the three of them are deep in discussion about her next mission.

She listens carefully to Arthur’s assessment of the mission and takes in all the extra information Merlin provides to her, following his own research into her targets. Throughout the whole meeting she tries not to think about how much her heart _aches._

She leaves with barely a look at the two men, and the silence that follows her as she walks through the corridors is haunting.

* * *

 

The following day she’s standing out on the balcony with Eggsy, watching the latest batch of recruits run laps, puppies padding happily alongside them.

Merlin and Arthur are both out on the grounds nearby monitoring the times. Arthur seems to be doing a lot of talking, while Merlin, presumably taking notes, keeps tapping away at his ever present clipboard.

“Have you spoken to him yet?”

Eggsy leans against the railing next to her, watching as her eyes dart down Merlin again.

“No,” Roxy starts, glancing over at her friend. His own eyes are focused on the other man out on the field and she smiles at Eggsy obvious fascination with their fearless leader.

“Why the fuck not Rox?”

“It doesn’t matter, I don’t need to talk to him. I-I found out how he felt about us, so it’s okay.”

Eggsy eyes her suspiciously.

“You sure? ‘Coz I don’t mind going down there and kicking his pale Scottish arse from here to Edinburgh for you.”

Roxy laughs, loud enough for the sound to carry and catch the attention of the two men below them. Both of them look up, and, upon noticing just who’s disturbing the peace of the grounds, smile.

“Alright Merlin, ‘arry?” Eggsy calls down to the two men. Harry nods and gestures towards the recruits who are just passing the mansion for their third pass.

“Fancy joining them Eggsy? Need something to keep you on your toes!”

“No fanks ‘arry! Send Merlin instead, he probably needs the exercise.”

Roxy nudges her best friend in the ribs and laughs when Merlin gives Eggsy the finger by way of reply. His eyes don’t even leave his clipboard.

She and Eggsy retreat from the balcony, both of them now long overdue for their session in the gym. She’s leaving later that evening for Munich, so this is the last opportunity she’ll have to spend time with Eggsy before she goes.

“I meant what I said Rox,” Eggsy mutters suddenly, just as they’re entering the training facilities.

Roxy’s mind goes back to the previous day’s conversation, how Merlin’s words had pulled the proverbial rug from under her and caused her to toss and turn all night. She doesn’t admit any of this to Eggsy though. Instead, she grabs a couple of pairs of boxing gloves from the equipment cupboard and chucks them casually to the man beside her.

“I know you did. But it’s fine, honestly Eggsy. Merlin and I, we… I…” Roxy sighs and looks at Eggsy head on, trying to show some sort of confidence behind her words, but probably ends up just sounding resigned, “it’ll be fine.”

He looks at her and frowns, but, because he _is_ her best friend and knows her so well, decides to distract her with a quick round of boxing instead.

 

* * *

 

Three weeks later, she’s late arriving back from Lisbon after a particularly stressful mission. The airports had been closed due to a strike and it had taken longer than anticipated to complete the journey home. Roxy’s practically bouncing by the time her pilot parks the plane in the hanger. She’d been lucky to escape with a few cuts and bruises this time round; the piece of technology she’d been sent to disable had been more unstable than they’d taken into account, resulting in a surprisingly volatile but low-key explosion.

Despite that, every sound seems to set Roxy on edge, a remnant of the loud crack of the bomb going off.

By the time she’s made her way down to Merlin’s lab she’s a wreck, half filled with excess energy and half terrified of the noises that drift down the normally quiet corridor.

Merlin, thankfully, is still there, pottering about placing the last few pieces of his equipment away.

“Hi,” Roxy whispers quietly as she steps through the threshold into the lab. She wanders through the quiet room and slumps dejectedly into his chair, savouring the comfy leather under her aching muscles.

Merlin turns and smiles at her, but his expression drops when he sees how downtrodden she looks. “Roxy?”

“I’m fine, just hyped up. Bomb went off…”

“I saw,” Merlin replies, gesturing vaguely towards the monitors. “Wasn’t your fault though, lass.”

“I know, wrong place, wrong time.”

She watches as Merlin steps closer and Roxy relaxes a little when his hands come to rest on her shoulders. She sighs and looks up at him. There’s something different in his eyes, something that doesn’t fit with the way this normally plays out. Usually there are a couple of kisses and then a rush to remove clothes, but Merlin’s hands stay steadfastly on her shoulders.

Roxy furrows her brow in confusion, unused to the man in front of her giving her such a _loving_ look. If she hadn’t heard that conversation he’d had with Harry all those weeks ago, well, she’d almost believe that he was sincere. Merlin drops his hands after giving her a reassuring squeeze, and he gives Roxy a half smile as he motions towards the door.

“Come on,” he says brusquely, holding out his hand to her. “I was just heading home. You’re welcome to come with me.”

She hesitates. They’ve always done this at HQ, in his lab, or the store cupboard of one of the spare rooms. They’ve never been to each other’s homes; she doesn’t even know where Merlin lives.

Still, it would be nice to have a quiet bed for once, to enjoy a little bit more time together before they’re forced back into work in the morning.

“Okay.” She says eventually, and she takes his hand. He pulls her up from her seat and maintains the contact until they reach the door of his lab.

 

Roxy’s fully expecting Merlin to lead her towards the shuttle that will take them to the shop, but instead he veers to the left and heads down to the garage. They wander past the huge variety of vehicles until they reach a dark blue Jaguar XF. Merlin unlocks the car from a couple of feet away and walks round to the passenger side to open the door for Roxy. _Ever the gentleman_ , she thinks, before she glances up at him in confusion.

He shrugs, smiling slightly at her questioning look.

“I like to drive,” is all he says, and she slips into the passenger seat, allowing Merlin to shut the door behind her.

It’s drizzling as Merlin pulls the car out onto the driveway and Roxy focuses on the quiet country landscape that flies past her window, accompanied by the quiet thrum of the wipers moving against the window. Merlin stays quiet, and there’s the low rumble of Radio 4 in the background. Roxy’s still hyped up, she can feel it in her bones, and she belatedly notices that her hands are trembling.

Merlin seems to pick up on it too, because, without a word, he reaches out, takes her hand, and links their fingers together. Merlin carefully brings their joined hands to rest on his thigh, without breaking his concentration from the road. His thumb sweeps gently across her knuckles, his hand being so much larger than hers, and the sentiment, the reassurance that he’s there, is enough to calm some of Roxy’s frantic nerves.

They stay silent until they pull up to a nondescript block of flats on the edge of the city. It looks expensive and majestic and Roxy takes in the scene while Merlin dashes around to her side of the car, umbrella in hand and put up by the time she gets out.

They make their way slowly up the stairs; Merlin lives on the first floor apparently, and Roxy tries not to focus on the fact that Merlin is holding her hand again.

Someone slams a door in the block and Roxy jumps, instantly thrown back to her mission in Lisbon, to the bomb, to the terror she’d felt less than half a day ago.

Panic threatens to overwhelm her before she feels heavy hands rest on her waist, the touch instantly anchoring her. _Merlin._

“Roxy? It’s okay, I’m right here lass. Nothing’s gonnae hurt you while I’m here.”

His words break her out of her shock and she smiles up at him shyly, mildly embarrassed at her sudden onset of panic.

“Sorry,” she replies hastily.

“You’ve got nothing to apologize for,” Merlin says determinedly. “Something like that, after the day you’ve had? It’s bound to spook you a little.”

They stop outside of a door and Merlin pulls a set of keys from his pockets, unlocking the entrance to his home and ushering her in before him.

It’s a lovely place, sparsely decorated but with excellent taste. It feels _homey_. Roxy tries to take everything in, tries to get some insight into the man she’s been sleeping with for over half a year. She takes her shoes off and wanders further into the flat, seeking out photos and evidence of Merlin’s life outside of Kingsman.

“Tea?” Merlin offers, gesturing over towards the kitchen area. His jumper, wet from the rain outside, has been thrown over a chair in the dining area, and he’s standing in shirtsleeves, tie still done up, knotted with perfection at his throat. He’s in the process of undoing his cuff-links and pushing his sleeves up to his elbows by the time Roxy realises he’s expecting an answer.

“No, thank you,” Roxy mutters before reaching up and pulling him down by his tie, kissing him deeply.

He returns the gesture straight away, leaning down and cupping both sides of her head with his hands. His thumbs caress her cheeks, instantly calming her, and Roxy leans into the touch. Merlin walks them backwards, lips barely leaving hers before brushing over hers again. Roxy pulls him tighter against her, one of her hands still wrapped around his tie, the other clutching his shirt at the waist.

She stops when Merlin suddenly stands upright, leaving her with a faint kiss on her lips. His hands drift down to her hips, pulling slightly on her shirt, eyes hooded and dark with an unasked question. Roxy doesn’t speak, just rests her hands on top of his and encourages Merlin to lift the shirt over her head. The cool air of his flat hits her at the same time her shirt lands somewhere on the other side of the room, but Merlin kisses her quickly to distract her.

Merlin strips her slowly. He takes his time undoing the zip of her skirt, his fingers tracing its path first before he helps pulls it down her legs. Roxy manages to rid him of his shirt and tie and her eyes take in the muscles that had previously been hidden. There are scars scattered across his body, a catalogue of his time as a Kingsman agent. Roxy wonders how long it will be before her own skin tells a similar tale.

It seems to take forever, but soon she’s stepping out of her underwear and is finally completely bare before him. Merlin smiles, and glances down at her.

“You’re beautiful Roxy,” he whispers appreciatively as his lips ghost over her throat. His words, spoken but a voice that is low, husky, and full of feeling, knock her for six. It’s the first time Merlin’s said anything of that ilk to her; they rarely talk when they’re together.

She looks up, and notes that he’s still regarding her with a look of admiration, a soft smile across his lips, and eyes hooded under the familiar frames of his glasses.

Roxy has never been self-conscious, but under his gaze she suddenly has the urge to cover herself. Merlin senses her arms moving and grabs at her wrists, preventing them from moving across her body.

“Don’t,” he mutters quietly, staring into her eyes with determination. “There’s nothing for you to be ashamed of, especially not in front of me, and _especially_ not when we’re doing this…”

Merlin forces her to take a step back until she feels the wall of his bedroom against her bare skin. Her wrists are suddenly pinned over her head and Merlin bends to kiss her. Roxy immediately deepens the kiss and pushes into the man in front of her as much as she can given her position. God, he so much taller than her, but it doesn’t faze her at all.

Merlin picks her up with very little effort and places her gently on the bed. All of a sudden he’s leaning over her and smiling, kissing her lips, and drawing out a moan.

He kisses his way down her body, nipping slightly at her neck, her throat, her breasts, while his fingers ghost patterns across her thighs.

He has her pinned under him but Roxy doesn’t feel threatened. Instead, she feels safe, and, if she’s honest with herself, she’s been dreaming of this for far longer than she’d care to admit. While a good hard fuck against the wall or on his desk was nice, _this_ was what she hoped Merlin would do to her one day.

Merlin suddenly moves away, leaving one lingering kiss on her lips as he strips off the rest of his clothing. It’s the first time they’ve been completely naked in front of each other and it’s just another confirmation that whatever their relationship had been, well, it no longer exists. It’s _shifted_ somehow. This isn’t two people fucking to get rid of adrenaline or to forget a bad day. This is almost a _proper_ relationship, with feelings and attachments and consequences. Roxy tries not to dwell on the fact that out of the two of them, _she’s_ probably more invested in this than Merlin; she’d heard his words to Arthur all those weeks ago, she’s under no illusions about how he feels about this.

She doesn’t get much of an opportunity to analyse just how badly this could go because Merlin leans over her again. Her body bucks up as his fingers drift up over her thighs and to her centre. His thumb brushes her clit and Roxy cries out as the sensation, but she’s cut off as Merlin bends down and kisses her again.

His thumb continues to rub against her as he slowly dips two fingers into her, pushing and pulling and causing Roxy to moan.

Merlin’s mouth traces it’s way across her body as his fingers continue to move, and Roxy can’t help the buck of her hips as he nips gently at her breasts, teeth grazing the nipple before his tongue soothes the twinge of pain.

She comes, hard, pushing into his hand and Merlin swallows her cry of pleasure as he kisses her. Roxy faintly hears the rustling of a condom wrapper as she’s recovering, and then Merlin’s above her. She can feel him, hard and heavy against her entrance and Roxy lifts her body, trying to encourage him to _finally_ enter her.

“You ready love?” She hears him whisper and she nods, trying to ignore the way his words burn at her heart. He doesn’t love her, she knows this but right now she doesn’t care.

He smiles down as her and pushes in, taking his time, drawing out her pleasure and his own. His movements are slow within her, and Roxy clenches around him every time he pushes into her. This isn’t how they do this, this isn’t a quick fuck, this is… this is _perfect_ , Roxy thinks as Merlin slides in and out, kisses alternating between her lips and her throat.

She feels the burn of pain when he marks her neck and she returns the gesture on his chest, just above what looks to be a scar from a gunshot. Roxy closes her eyes, concentrates on the feel of Merlin moving inside her, tries to imagine that this is what it would like to be loved by this man.

 

Afterwards, Roxy leans on Merlin’s chest as he glances at his watch to check the time. There’s a tattoo at the top of his arm, just by his shoulder and Roxy traces the outline with one of her fingertips, smiling as he shudders. She looks up at him and notices that his glasses have slipped down his nose a little due to the light sheen of sweat that still covers both of them. Roxy reaches out and pushes them back into place with her index finger.

“Ta,” Merlin mutters before leaning in for another kiss; slow, passionate, so _different_ than usual.

It _finally_ hits her then, the feeling that’s been lingering deep in the pit of her stomach since the moment she took Merlin’s hand in his lab a little over two hours ago; it’s all too domestic. This isn’t how they do things, this isn’t a no-strings relationship; this is… this is something entirely different and Roxy panics, fearing she’ll give herself away. She’d indulged herself when they’d been together, both of them too distracted to over-think the situation. But now?

She sits up then, and quickly pulls off the sheet that covers them, suddenly embarrassed by her nudity.

“Roxy?”

Merlin sounds confused, and Roxy can’t bear to face him. She’s so bloody worried about him seeing right through her, about him discovering her deeper feelings for him. That can’t happen, _ever_.

“I- I can’t do this anymore…”

Her hands are shaking, she knows it. Despite all her training, all the missions she’s been on, she _still_ can’t stop the trembles and Roxy figures that that's the final warning that she’s too involved.

“I see,” Merlin says, sitting up further in the bed and staring at her. Roxy wants him to shout, look angry, have _some_ kind of emotion on his face while she's doing this; it would make the whole thing easier. Instead, he just sounds resigned. “Well at least stay for a cup of tea before you disappear; it’s still raining out there."

“No, no, I shouldn’t. I should just go, get out of your way.”

Merlin remains silent, watching her carefully as she pulls her shirt over her head. She’s halfway through slipping her skirt back on when she hears him get out of the bed and wander off to the kitchen.

By the time she’s dressed and gathered her things, there’s a taxi waiting in the street outside.

“I called one for you.”

Roxy whispers a quiet ‘thank you’ but still refuses to turn around. She thinks if she does, she’ll confess everything to Merlin and she really doesn't want to do that.

“I’ll see you at HQ okay?” She says, struggling to find her voice.

Merlin merely hums and Roxy sighs in relief as the door opens under her hand and closes with a quiet click as she makes her way down the stairs towards the kerb and the taxi.

She doesn’t look back.

 

Roxy vows to stay out of his way, avoid the man as she continues to work at Kingsman.

 

* * *

 

She lasts three days.

 

It isn’t even as if she means to visit him that late at night, but she’s been poring over the mission brief before her departure at 0600 the next morning and there’s a couple of issues she has with the technology. It’s been so long since there’s been a female Kingsman agent that the tech in some respects is a little outdated, and, unfortunately for her, there’s no way she can pull off carrying an umbrella around as casually as Eggsy or Arthur can. So unless Merlin has some bright ideas, she’s essentially going in unarmed. The prospect unnerves her enough to go and track Merlin down to question him on possible alternatives.

Roxy’s hardly seen him since she all but ran out of his flat a few days ago, but every time they’ve been in each other’s company in the intervening time since, mainly in debriefs or meetings with Arthur, she’s been too embarrassed to make eye contact, and Merlin has steadfastly refused to even look in her direction.

It’s awkward and Roxy knows it’s all her fault; she’d gotten too attached to the man, had essentially fallen in love with him, but now she just needs to suck up her feelings and go and speak to him. It could be a matter of life and death out on a mission and she’s not _that_ stubborn. She _needs_ to seem him.

The fact that the bruises he left on her neck from their last might together have finally begun to fade has nothing to do with it.

“Merlin?” She calls quietly into his lab, trying hard not to concentrate on the wall where he’d fucked her that first time.

“In here,” comes the faint reply, and it’s clear he’s in the lab’s small armoury at the back. She steps further into the room, her flats clicking softly against the tiles, but the noise seems to echo too loudly.

Merlin pokes his head out to take her in as she approaches.

“Lancelot? What can I do for you?”

Just the fact that he uses her codename is enough for her to know that he still hasn't forgiven her, still hasn’t gotten over her hasty departure from his flat a few days ago. Add in the terse way in which Merlin addresses her and it’s clear to Roxy that he's not hoping for any kind of reconciliation any time soon. Not that she was thinking about it.

“I’ve got some questions about the Borneo mission,” she finally admits, looking him in the eye and daring him to start an argument. Not that he ever would, she realises; he’s too much of a gentleman to ever argue with a lady over something like the end of a no strings relationship.

“Sure, what’s the matter?”

And so she asks questions and he replies and between them they spend the next couple of hours preparing a range of alternatives to help her mission. It soon becomes apparent to Roxy that Merlin, in between his usual duties, has been spending his free time creating an assortment of accessories and weapons more suited for a female agent. It blows her mind and causes a flutter in her stomach all at once.

“Feeling better?”

“Sorry?”

“About the mission? Feeling more confident?”

Roxy gives him a genuine smile, the first one she’s allowed herself since she walked out of his door and away from _him_ three nights ago.

“Definitely. I… thank you Merlin, for creating these,” she says, gesturing towards the multitude of weapons and tech in front of them, "it- it means a lot. And they’ll be very helpful when I’m out in the field.”

She longs to reach out to him, to show her appreciation with a hug or a kiss. She can’t though; she closed off _that_ avenue the moment she walked out of his flat. Instead, she stands awkwardly next to him, unsure of how to leave the situation while maintaining what little dignity she has left.

“How long do you have until you leave?”

It’s a faintly ridiculous question, because she knows full well that Merlin is kept appraised of all the current missions, even if he’s not the handler in charge. Roxy knows he’s _well_ aware that she’s leaving in the morning. Still, she doesn’t comment, and glances at her watch.

“A few more hours, Bors is flying us out just after dawn.”

Merlin nods and remains silent. He leans back in his chair and steeples his fingers, regarding her with a focused gaze. Roxy immediately feels uncomfortable, as if she’ll spill all her secrets to him if she spends another minute in his company. She takes a deep breath in and looks towards the door briefly before turning her attention back to the silent man before her.

“If there’s nothing else?”

Merlin merely shakes his head and gives her a faint smile. Roxy nods and turns towards the exit, making her way quickly to the door. She suddenly stops when she feels a hand on her shoulder and Roxy turns on her heel, looking up at Merlin with confusion in her eyes.

“Merlin? What’s the matter?”

He stands in silence, hand lingering on her shoulder, his fingers digging in slightly for a moment before he drops his hand.

“Be careful Lancelot. Borneo’s a dangerous place; keep your considerable wits about you.”

“I… I will,” she concedes and gasps as Merlin leans down and places a soft kiss on her forehead.

With that gesture, she realises, everything has been forgiven. Her actions at the flat. Her clear avoidance of him since then. Her reluctance to _talk_ to him. Everything.

“I’ll see you when I get back,” she says eventually, but receives no words in reply. Instead, the stoic man in front of her nods once and turns back towards his desk, as if he can’t face her leaving. Roxy sighs and heads towards her room, hoping to catch a few more hours sleep until the plane leaves in the early hours of the morning.

She tries not to think about how much his indifference to this situation _hurts_.

 

* * *

 

It goes badly.

 

Waking up in a dingy medical room on the outskirts of Tarakan is _not_ how she envisaged this mission going down. Roxy slowly opens her eyes and surveys the scene, immediately comforted by the presence of Bors at the far side of the room. He seems to be chatting to someone over his glasses comms, which is a relief; at least they’ve not lost contact with people back home.

She attempts to sit up, but gasps at the pain that pulls at her side when she tries to move. The noise causes Bors to turn around and look at her. Roxy watches as the man mutters something into his headset and, within a minute or so, he’s sat by her bedside.

“Morning, sleeping beauty,” he mutters and moves to steady her as she tries to sit up. “I wouldn't if I were you. The docs here spent ages on those stitches and I’ll not have you pulling them out after all that effort to save your life. Just lie back and rest.”

“What happened?”

She likes Bors, has done since they were introduced following V-Day. He’s one of the younger Kingsman agents of the ‘old guard’, early 40s, a cheeky grin and a penchant for being able to get out of any situation without too much hassle, even when the shit hits the fan. Roxy thinks he reminds her a little of Eggsy.

“They were onto you pretty quickly,” Bors admits, looking up and out of the window. Roxy can hear the cacophony of animal and human life right outside the hospital. “Not sure how they got that piece of intelligence, but HQ are on it as we speak.”

By HQ she assumes he means Merlin and Arthur but she doesn’t comment.

“Everything went downhill from there. One of them caught you with their machete, your suit took a few hits to the back; you’ll have a few bruises in the morning to be sure. You somehow managed to get back to the chopper and I flew us the hell out of there. Set about fixing you as soon as we landed.”

Roxy can feel the taut stitches in her side, can feel the way they pull with each breath she takes.

“Will I be okay? I think I lost a lot of blood.”

“You did Lancelot, but not so much that you needed a transfusion. I managed to stem the bleeding as soon as we landed.”

“Are we being extracted?”

“Yeah, later on this afternoon. I’ve got eyes and ears out making sure that we weren’t followed. Landed the chopper at the safe house, stopped the bleeding then got us up here to the hospital.”

She reaches out and grabs his hand, smiling at the slightly awkward cough he gives in reply.

“Thanks Bors.”

“You’re very welcome Lancelot,” he replies. “I’m gonna go and grab some of this place’s awful coffee and hopefully a sandwich. Try and get some rest okay?”

Roxy hums in compliance and sets her head down on the slightly lumpy pillow beneath her.

As she closes her eyes, memories of her failed mission start to reappear. She can clearly remember the suspicious members of the gang, can remember how she’d barely gotten an opportunity to talk before they were on her.

She also remembers, just as she drifts into unconsciousness, someone shouting at her down her glasses feed. It had been a horrifyingly familiar voice, one she hadn’t expected at all.

 

* * *

 

She’s sore and tender by the time they arrive back at the manor. It had been a long flight back, but thankfully Roxy had spent a majority of it sleeping off the pain medication she’d been given in Borneo. Eggsy meets her in the hanger, and she smiles as he flings an arm loosely over her shoulder and pulls her close.

“Jesus Rox,” he mutters quietly in her ear, glancing back at Bors who’s getting the rest of the gear out of the plane. " _I’m_ the one who’s supposed to get into trouble out there, not you! Gave us all a bloody fright, we thought we'd lost you!”

“Don’t be ridiculous Eggsy, everyone knows the risks of being a Kingsman. Plus I had Bors; he had everything under control.”

The two of them walk through the familiar hallways and corridors, smiling at the other members of staff that they pass. Harry pops his head out of his office to wish her a speedy recovery and to say he’s glad she’s back. Roxy smiles back nervously; it doesn't how much she talks to him, he’s still _Harry Hart_ , and the legendary Arthur and Roxy has to admit she still gets a little star struck around him.

Their walk down to the hospital wing is a slow one, Roxy constantly wary of pulling the stitches and aggravating the injury in her side. She’d had an opportunity to see the damage when Bors had changed the dressing mid-flight and it was worrying just how close her attackers had gotten to doing some major damage. The wound would scar, but she’d live and, in their line of work Roxy thinks, that’s always a bonus.

Eggsy helps her to medical and it isn’t until he helps her onto the bed awaiting a check-up by the on duty doctor that she thinks to ask him about the voice she’d faintly heard over her comms.

“Was Merlin in HQ yesterday?”

Eggsy looks at her guiltily, as if he’s hiding some big secret. Eventually, following a glare from her, he answers.

“Yeah. Apparently he came in just as shit went down on your mission. He practically threw Guinevere out of the lab when he realised you were hurt.”

“Oh.”

And with that, with Eggsy’s simple admission, everything else comes flooding back. All the emotions and the panic and the _feelings_ she has for Merlin come back with full force and she has to take a deep breath to try and regain a semblance of control.

The Doctor, Bedivere, assigns her to a few days of bed-rest, just to ensure that the stitches stay in place and that she doesn’t get an infection in the wound. Bedivere also notes that she _had_ lost a lot of blood, so she needs time to regain all of her strength. Roxy agrees mainly because it’s less hassle to go with what the medical professionals advise, but she still gets antsy when she realizes that she’s essentially confined to HQ for the next few days at least.

Eggsy volunteers to help her back to her usual room in the manor and so, with a bottle full of extra painkillers in tow, the two of them head out.

They’re passing another medical room when she spots the familiar jumper and bald head of Merlin. He’s in conversation with one of the doctors, and Roxy glances over and spots that he’s rubbing at his wrist. His wrist that is bound in a cast that hadn't been there when she’d left for the mission a few days ago.

Roxy stops in the middle of the corridor and grabs Eggsy by the arm, pulling him to the side of the hallway.

“What happened to Merlin’s arm?”

“Wha?”

“ _Merlin_ , Eggsy, he’s got a broken wrist.”

“Oh yeah, that. Not sure of the details, he said he broke it training in the gym after he dealt with Guinevere. Don’t believe him though, but he was in such a foul mood yesterday with everything that went wrong that I didn't press.”

Roxy has an inkling, in the back of her mind, that maybe Merlin had done something to his wrist _after_ he’d discovered that her mission had gone south. That he’d struck out in anger and caused the damage to himself. She ignores the feeling though; it’s incredibly selfish. Why on earth would Merlin be _that_ concerned about her welfare, _especially_ after everything that had happened between them?

 

* * *

 

The following morning Roxy sits up in her bed, attempting to complete at least one sudoku puzzle in peace. Eggsy’s flitting between her bedside and the window, his attention frequently drawn to the grounds below her room. Apparently Arthur’s joining the recruits for shooting practice and Eggsy’s taking a very keen interest. He’d admitted to her last night, as he’d help to change her dressing, that he and Harry had mutually decided to take the next step in their relationship. _(”I get to kiss him all the time now Rox, it’s fucking fantastic…”)_  

Roxy doesn’t begrudge Eggsy his happiness; goodness knows he deserves something good in his life after all he’s been through. Still, it’s a bitter blow to hear that her best friend is starting a brand new relationship with someone who obviously adores him, especially when she’d done such a stellar job of destroying what she’d had with Merlin.

Roxy’s trying to place a stubborn ‘4’ in her current grid, when she hears a soft knock on the door followed by someone clearing their throat. She looks up and spots Merlin lingering in the doorway and she quickly waves him in.

“Lancelot, Galahad, good morning.”

He’s standing awkwardly by the door, eyes darting between the younger man standing by the window and the woman lying in the bed.

“Sit down Merlin, please.”

Roxy’s going to be civil and happy, even if it kills her.

Merlin wanders across and seats himself in the chair next to her bed.

“How’re you feeling?” Merlin looks her over, and Roxy thinks he’s trying to determine if she’s in any pain.

“Better. My side’s sore and the bruises across my back aren’t pretty but, well, it could have been worse. I was lucky, but I’ll live; all in a day’s work right?”

Her blasé attitude towards her injuries causes Merlin to frown, but he doesn’t comment.

“Can I help you with anything? Do you need some more information about the mission?”

Merlin shakes his head.

“No, no, Bors and your comms feed has answered most of the questions we had. Arthur’ll debrief you properly in the next couple of days, give you time to get your strength back.”

He’s still frowning and Roxy longs to reach over and touch him, to reassure him that she’s okay. She lost that privilege when she walked out of his flat, despite how she feels for him. Instead, she just gazes at him, a look which, much to her confusion, Merlin eventually returns.

“Is there something else Merlin?”

Eggsy’s voice breaks through to her slowly and she suddenly realizes she and Merlin have been staring at each other for what seems like quite a while.

“Oh, yes, of course. Apologies.”

He turns to look at Roxy again, although she notices that there’s a faint flush on his neck, as if he’s embarrassed about staring at her.

“I thought you’d want to know that we discovered why your mission was a bust. One of our informants in Borneo sold you out to the local cartel; decided he preferred a larger sum of cash to standing up for his principles. He’s been… _dealt_ with.”

The way Merlin speaks his last few words leaves Roxy under no illusions as to _how_ the former informant had been… dealt… with.

“I understand,” she says, because she does - no one betrays Kingsman and gets away with it.

Even after delivering his news, Merlin seems reluctant to leave. Roxy gets the distinct impression that he wants to talk about something else.

“Merlin? What’s the matter? You know you can still talk to me, even if we’re not…y’know…”

Eggsy looking over at the pair of them, trying (and failing) to hide his curiosity at the exchange between herself and Merlin. Roxy ignores her best friend and finally reaches out, slowly touching her fingertips to the cast that covers his right wrist.

“Is it something to do with this?”

Merlin looks down and stares at her fingers before he glances back up.

“Aye,” he finally admits, sighing. He looks over at Eggsy once more, who is now pretending to look out of the window in interest. Roxy can see the traces of a grin on his face though, bastard.

“I punched the wall in the lab.”

It’s not much of an explanation, but Roxy had expected that. Merlin’s frustratingly stubborn when he wants to be.

She raises an eyebrow in question, silently encouraging him to continue.

“After… after I heard through the comms that you were in trouble I came down to check your status with Guinevere, threw him out when I saw you’d been hit. Took over your comms, although it was too late by then, you were already half in the chopper.”

“You shouted at me…” Roxy mutters, looking up at him. She reaches out and grabs his fingers, squeezing them as tears threaten to pool in her eyes. “When I was bleeding out in the helicopter; you shouted my name.”

“Of course I did!” Merlin says, raising his voice in exasperation. “I thought you were dying Roxy! I didnae know what else to do!”

She freezes at his admission. Merlin _rarely_ admits that he’s wrong, let alone that he doesn’t know what to do in any given situation. Roxy releases his fingers, and Merlin immediately lifts his hands to rub the back of his head before lowering them again.

“Look, Roxy,” he mumbles, twisting his hands in his lap, careful not to bump his cast in the process. “I know I've probably been acting like a monumental _arse_ for the past few days, for longer than that probably if we’re being honest, but the truth is, well, I- I miss you.”

He stops then, and looks up, as if he’s surprised by his own words.

“It sounds ridiculous I know, I mean, I’m twice your age for Christ’s sake, but you… I… I don’t know. I just wish there was a way for you to forgive me, to give me a second chance.”

Roxy’s completely bewildered, because in her humble opinion, Merlin hasn’t done _anything_ wrong. _She_ was the one who walked out on their _arrangement_ because it had been too much for her. She’d ruined their partnership because she’d been stupid enough to fall in love with him. All Merlin had done was admit, in a long ago conversation with his best friend, that he didn’t care for her as much as she did him…

She glances over at Eggsy, who now has a broad grin on his face. Her friend shrugs and nods in Merlin’s direction, as if to say ‘you’re on your own here love.’ She turns her attention back to the man sitting beside her bed, his face a huge mix of emotion.

“Merlin? I don’t understand…”

“I’m sorry Roxy, I know you probably don’t want to carry on in a relationship with me, but if you do, if you give me that honour, I promise, I won't let any of my feelings get in the way…”

“Wait, what feelings?” Merlin pauses and stares at her, clearly trying to find his way out of the situation. “Merlin, what feelings?"

“Look, I… I’m not good at this; it’s been years since I’ve been in any kind of stable relationship, and that didn’t end particularly well. But, Roxy,” he says, sweeping a strand of hair behind her ear, “I can’t help but feel something _more_ for you. I can’t say it’s love, not yet, but there’s the _potential_ for it to be, I’m not gonnae lie. I know you don’t reciprocate those feelings, and I wouldn't expect you to, but I’m happy to be with you in whichever capacity you want. A no strings thing, solely a friendship, or a professional relationship only. I just…we almost lost you Roxy and I’ll not have my feelings get in the way of seeing you every day.”

God, it’s just so cliché, Roxy thinks and she leans over the bed, wincing as she feels the stitches pull once more. Eggsy is still standing in the corner grinning like a loon and he ducks out of the room as soon as he spots Harry heading towards the threshold, pulling at the older man’s arm to drag him back out of the way. Harry goes along with the movement, but not without throwing a confused look towards the room containing his best friend and youngest agent.

Roxy grabs Merlin by his tie and pulls him forward so that they’re almost a breath apart.

“You’re an idiot.” She remarks, smiling at him.

“Hey now lass, there’s no need for that.”

“So am I, though.” She continues, pretending she hasn’t heard him. And with that, she pulls him the rest of the way and kisses him. Kisses him like she loves him and she’s absolutely certain now that she does. And, if her suspicions are correct, Merlin feels exactly the same way.

“Oh,” is all he says when she releases him, and he ducks his head slightly. “I see…”

He pauses for a couple of seconds before he continues.

“Guess that makes us a good pair then…”

Roxy chuckles and kisses him again.

“Yeah,” she whispers, smiling at him, “I guess it does…”

 

 

Epilogue

 

“Bloody _hell_ Rox!” Eggsy exclaims as she exits the bathroom. "You look fucking gorgeous!”

She has to admit, she _feels_ gorgeous. The backless dress stops just below her knees, with a rather scandalous slit up her right leg. The fabric, a deep red silk, slides against her skin and she’s never felt anything quite like it. The sheer material is, of course, bullet proof, but Roxy ignores that particular detail; hopefully she and Eggsy won’t run into too many people who want to shoot them this evening.

“He needs to keep his bloody hands off you…” comes a quiet mutter in her ear, and Roxy chuckles at Merlin’s unusually possessive remark.

“Oh please,” Roxy replies, smiling as she indicates to Eggsy that Merlin’s chatting to her on a private line, “it’s just for the mission. You know that.” She pauses for dramatic effect, and waits until Eggsy attention is on fixing his horrendously done up bow tie. “Besides, the quicker Galahad and I get this over with, the sooner I’ll be home. And, because I love you so much, you can have the pleasure of stripping me _out_ of this dress…”

She faintly hears Merlin growl at her, causing her to chuckle. Eggsy turns round, a puzzled look on his face, his hand still clinging to the fabric of his tie.

“What was that Rox?”

“Nothing, just saying that I can’t wait to get home tonight.”

She takes Eggsy’s arm and allows him to escort her out of their shared hotel room, all the while trying to ignore Merlin’s comments about what _precisely_ he was going to do to her when she got back.

 

END

 

**Author's Note:**

> Don't hesitate to let me know what you think; I've never written these characters before, so any feedback would be most welcome.
> 
> Comments and kudos make my day :)


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